Looking at him browsing pictures,cards of me and my ex bf is the last thing i would ever wish to happen in my entire life. I wished i had dropped dead at the moment. My heart and mind froze. Not because of those photos. But the pain and upset in his eyes. It had been the longest 15 mins or so in my life, as i stood there watching him browsing at the material.
So many thoughts running in my mind...
"God damn, We are happy together and why these materials surface at this time?!"
"Omg. Why its still in that bloody hell drawer of mine? Room so bloody messy, why am i so lazy to pack my stuff ,these are ought to be in the bin!"
"God. u got to be kidding me."
"This is just a nightmare. Someone wake me up pls."
God damn shit. I feel like grabbing and toss them off the window for good. But no, if i do that, it means i am afraid of him finding it out.
I am in a shitty situation, where i cant do anything but only watching him intently.
And so..i am cursing silently to myself and with my eyes fixed on him, and urging him to put down everything. After a long time (to me it seems very long), he looked up at me,smile weakly and tried to act nothing has happened.
I can feel the pain and sorrow in his eyes.
He took out a piece of yellow neon colour paper from the envelope and starting folding. He is distracting himself , so he doesnt need to face me. All the while, i was telling him...
"Lets go for a walk downstairs?"
" hmm..shall we buy a drink downstairs together?"
"Lets go buy some stuff and take a night walk!"
He only nodded and said "mm.." each time.
He folded a yellow neon paper crane,put on my hand and said,
" Its late. I am going home! Shall we? "
And so... we headed downstairs.
I tried to make a conversation with him, but he remain rather silent.
I took the pack of materials,tipped the envelope and poured its contents into the rubbish bin.
He only said to me.." u dont have to do that" and walk ahead.
He keep saying he wanted to go home and look at the skies.
Until then......, i saw tears rolling down his cheeks.
My heart shattered.
I had hurt him so much...
The night ended ... ... ... ...
where i hugged him closely to my heart and told him,
"I love you and only you..."
I had placed the yellow neon paper crane beside the bottle of stars
he made for me on my valentine's day.
The crane will make me rem that i hurt him once,deeply.
** ** ** ** **
For the last few months, I had been really confident and proud that i had put my past relationship down. The materials were left uncleared as i didnt really touched my drawers, cupboards and i didnt even bother about the prescence or absence of these materials(that explains my mess in the room). I am happy that i had chucked those photos and cards into the bin that were about my past, as that does not contribute to anything anymore.
*********************************
With my darling tc now,i am really contented and happy with my life. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And with that,we have so many future plans ahead, planning our careers together, support each other, accomodating each other, learn from each other's flaws and lastly building and saving for our love nest.
Why?
Coz i love him wholeheartedly... Cross my heart.
